'He could not come into my life and not have a purpose'

Isabella was an unexpected pregnancy. Days before we had found out that I was pregnant, we had been told that I had PCOS and would need medical intervention to conceive. How wrong that Doctor was! 

I had been experiencing dizzy spells for a day or two, and thought it was the follow-up from Christmas activities and going back to work. But, still, there was a niggle in my mind and gut that something wasn't quite right, but I couldn't put my finger on it. It was only a random thought of symptoms my Mum said she had when she fell pregnant with my siblings that added to my question. What if I'm pregnant? 

No, not possible. 

Still, the following morning, on the way into my previous job, I picked up a cheap test from Superdrug and thought. "It's going to be negative, but it's safer to check before I book a GP appointment."

It was my turn to be wrong, in my building, using the loo before I started my 5-hour cleaning shift, I sat disbelieving at those two little lines that had appeared before me. I tried to get through my shift, still telling myself I was wrong, but by my break time, I requested to go home due to the dizzy spells and feeling sick. 

I didn't tell them then, as I was still in shock. 

So what did I do? I rang my Dad - I was 23 and living at home - to see if he could pick me up, which thankfully he did! Got home and waited for my little cousin to be picked up before I told them that I needed to go the the Orange room at the health clinic. Answering the question of why, all I could say was 

"There's a small chance that I might be pregnant, but the test could be wrong."

Without judgment or hesitation, off we trotted to the health clinic, and they confirmed everything. 

I took a few days off work to process this, and a day later, I went to my then-partners. We had been talking about going to a festival together that summer, and we had talked about a future with kids or without them, depending on my fertility. As he was talking, I remember him opening the fridge and looking at what he could make us for lunch. Talking about camping and my response, 

"I don't think camping or sleeping on the ground is going to be very comfy at 4 to 5 months pregnant," I remember him looking at me, looking back in the fridge with confusion, until the realization hit. 

We were pregnant. 

Over the next few days and weeks, we had to tell family and had to look to the future of what we were going to do. 

It was a whirlwind of appointments, looking at houses to move, and deciding whether to rent or buy. We got a home, which then meant renovations and more, so it was a stressful time, to say the least. My pregnancy was mostly okay. I did struggle with bad morning sickness, resulting in weight loss, not being able to be around hot food, and my chronic pain with my back and hips was much more painful. I did tell a consultant this at around 14-16weeks. Whose response was "It'll get worse before it gets better." 

I also remember my mother-in-law jokingly telling me that if it wasn't for the scan pictures, she wouldn't have even thought I was pregnant, as I didn't get a bump until I was almost 8 to 9 months pregnant. 

Fast forwarding through the pregnancy, I got to 36 weeks, where I had a phone call from my GP as my infection markers were elevated. They told me to contact the midwives, who didn't have any concerns as the GP didn't contact them directly. This was 5 days before my due date. 

1 day before my due date, I went for an appointment where I was sent over to triage as I didn't feel like the baby was moving as much as normal. I went to triage, spent some time on the monitor, where the midwife asked me if I was in any pain, which I wasn't. 

I was showing contraction levels in the 200-300 range, but I wasn't dilated and wasn't uncomfortable, so it was put down to braxton hicks. They gave me a sweep and sent me on my way. 

Her due date went by with no changes, but at 40+1 weeks, I woke up uncomfortable at around 5am. It got to lunch time when I finally rang the hospital, explained that I felt the need for the toilet but couldn't go, other than that, I was just uncomfortable. I was told to take some painkillers and call back if there was any change, and that I didn't sound like I was in labour. I'd know if I was. 

A few hours passed by, and I called back, saying I wanted to be checked over regardless. They agreed but warned me I would most likely be sent home as I wasn't in labour. 

I went into the hospital, partner and bag in hand. We sat in the observation room with music on, smiling and laughing. They checked me over, but didn't mention any concerns. I remember them checking my cervix and their face changing as they told me I was 4 and 1/2 cm dilated. They were surprised I wasn't in more pain. 

Then I heard a midwife refer to my baby as sleepy, which soon became a trigger word for PTSD. I was asked to go to the bathroom and do a sample. Which I did, but as I stood up off the toilet, I felt my baby kick. It was her last kick. 

I knew in that moment something was wrong, so I sent my partner to find a staff member as I got myself back to the room. 

They tried to find her heartbeat, but couldn't, so they did a scan. They didn't need to say the words; I knew from the look on my partner's face that our baby was gone. 

The next few hours were a blur; staff cried, we cried, we told family and close friends, who, of course, cried. Then we had the birth to deal with. 

I'll be honest, there are things I don't remember from Belle's birth because I've blocked them out. There are parts that I remember but that I don't want to share, as I feel they are for us. Her birth was not an easy one; I did suffer complications as she got stuck, and I had a very heavy bleed. 

But, she was still born, at 9lb 1oz on the 18th September 2014. 

Due to the blood loss, I was in and out of sleep for a few days. We had a few issues with the hospital that I won't share here, but the staff who looked after us were wonderful. 

Sadly, Belle wasn't our only loss, we suffered a miscarriage (Bean) 6 months later and a miscarriage in 2020 (Winter), which needed surgical intervention. My blood loss issue was an ongoing problem in all of my pregnancies, among the heartbreak and navigating grief. I went on to have my rainbow baby girl, who is now 9, in 2016, and my rainbow baby boy in 2023.

It is because of Isabella, Bean, and Winter that I do what I do today. It was never a passion or career that I had considered, but it is one that I thoroughly love. Because of my angels, I can help others navigate their own journeys, listen and understand. While still able to acknowledge that I have elements of my grief that I haven't and don't want to delve into, that I carry my grief with me each day, and some days are easier than others. As my first daughter's due date, loss day, and birthday approaches, I am left with the thoughts that even in the darkness, she shone bright and she will forever be our little miracle who has taught us so much about love, grief, and life. 

If you made it this far, I want to say thank you for taking the time to read Belle's journey. Please remember you are not alone. Finding Rainbows is here to support you through your journey and listen to you through peer support, groups, and counselling. 

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